Category: Parent Talk
If I had my child to raise all over again.
by Diana Loomans
If I had my child to raise all over again,
I’d finger paint more, and point the finger less.
I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.
I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less, and know to care more.
I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.
I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.
I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I’d teach less about the love of power,
And more about the power of love.
—From 100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem and Teach Values.
Beautiful! Thank you for posting. Food for thought is right.
I always hate poems like this. They make it sound as if being a friend to your child is the most important thing and the world is just snowflakes and gum drops and every stranger out on the street is a unicorn that farts pretty rainbows. It makes it sound as if the parent who maybe didn't become their child's best friend is the wrong parent, and the ones who got down and played every day and never shouted or scolded are the mark by which we measure angels. That's simply idealist daydreams.
Children need direction. There is a reason you had to point the finger and get onto them. That reason was to teach them right from wrong. You probably didn't have time for hikes and kite flying because you had a job and had to support your child. You probably looked at your watch because it was bedtime and they had school in the morning. And really, build the family before you build the home? Where do you expect that family to live while you're building it?
Poems like this, and the cute little books that go along with them are all well and good on the surface. They're fluffy, and in their own way I suppose you might learn to stop and smell the roses every once in a while. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you really dig down and examine what it is they're saying they're just stupid.
If you want evidence of this, look at the title of the poem. If I had my child to raise all over again. This means one major thing. The child grew up and moved out of the home. You raised the child. You succeeded at your job. The only reason you can write this poem in such a cute and fluffy way is the fact that you successfully raised your child. So stop complaining, you did a hard thing and you did it at least relatively well.
Being on the empty nest side of this equation I would agree with Cody wholeheartedly.
It's always a balance, and a parent has to make a living to support all those things the poem talks about. Nothing is more miserable for parents and children alike than to wonder where their next meal and bed is going to be.
I had the misfortune of running a food service operation in a courthouse once, and once a week was FED day. F.E.D. was Forced Eviction Day. Awful. The kids were in terrible shape, the parents constantly crabbing at them, and everything you can imagine.
People who make a living aren't all that bad, trust me. And if we had to stay at the office late, it wasn't because we're big ol' meanies and wanted to. We're not independently wealthy and so especially when younger, had fewer choices.
Cody, thanks for the words. I try and remind myself of that very thing, whenever something comes up that causes me to question what I did or how I did or what went on that I just overlooked.
Parenthood is full of the fear of not doing it right, 24/7. That's a constant. That and questioning your implementation, and hearing all the yammer from everyone about how one should and shouldn't do things.
Poems like this are sort of like someone coming up sweetly to you talking gushy and smelling of perfume, punching you in the nose, then disappearing instantly before you can defend yourself.
Guess some will think me the monster parent for saying that, and want to rush over here and whisk my daughter away. Oops, too late, she's already grown.
Cody I will say even more.
All your Christmas movies where the man is demonized for working too much, you never see her decide to downsize what she wants or do something, it's always he is supposed to cut back his hours, but she will probably resent what happens financially because now he is not being a good provider.
Women in the 70s learned they could not do it all. Now men are stuck with the same thing: Work a lot, you're ignoring the family. Not enough, and you're not providing for all the things they need, camps, school fees, braces, oh so many things that cost a lot, and frankly kids shouldn't have to think about.
I hate to sound like a bit of a nut as years go by. When I was younger I laughed at the idea of the attack on the American male. Now on the other side of parenthood, looking back through it all, I will say it is a load no man can carry and was never meant to be doable.
Just do the best you can by your own conscience, I say, and try and stay informed. In part that is why I joined on here to read what teenagers annonymously said, so that I would not be out of touch, but could at least be understanding of what they are going through now.
It's like the BraveKidVoices tweets and other things, really a punch in the nose of people putting it all out there and doing all they can.
Truth be told, most parents give it all they've got with the information they have at the time. And every new generation has some improvements, and some things that are just different from the way before. And everyone makes some mistakes and has regrets. I have a few, and some run rather deep actually. But they are personal and things I personally owned, rather than fluff them off in some kind of don't-we-all.
These fluffbunnies are going to find they're no different than the rest of us when it all shakes out: some good, some bad, some in between. Especially during the teenage years, it's really hard to not feel like shit as a parent, I'll be honest. And it's the only job where you won't know how well you did till it's over and done. But we're never really done parenting. Sure, they're grown and flown, but still need us for support, it's different now.
But anyway again thanks for the words Cody. It's true: If the child is basically well adjusted and out on their own then more or less as a parent we did what we were supposed to. Imperfectly, in an imperfect world, where sometimes really bad things happen inside and outside of our control.
Actually, wow! I just read the poem withoug really analysing it. Shame on me. I didn't think of all that was said above, like I said I just read it. But it's true.
Don't feel bad. That's how they get people, including for those 24 easy payments of $199 a month. lol it's happened to most of us at least once.
Um guys, it's a cute little poem, not a psych lesson. Just breathe.
Dammit, Angel, but I like thinking. I love thinking in fact, and I unfortunately just can't not think and read words strictly on the surface. I fail at Hallmark. So here's me, good Captain Buzzkill with yet another overanalysis. I was wondering why this author seemed so regretful, like she did everything wrong so she's sitting still, head in hands, wishing for do-overs that are never possible, like her kid either died or turned out to be a criminal or otherwise not live up to expectations.
Ok, fairness here. Yes, this is just a cute poem. However it can be extrapolated (isn't that a fun word) from the title of the board post, that's board post, not poem, that the poster desires it to be more than just a cute poem. The poster wants it to be quote-unquote "food for thought". Thus, we have to think about it. Otherwise, it would have been titled, "Here's an adorable little poem I'd like to share with you today kiddies".
Now, if we want to go on the basis of it simply being a poem then my post would change entirely. IN that case, its not a very good poem. The rhyme is predictable, the line lengths are jagged in a structure which requires simetry, there's no use of any stylistic detailing such as metaphor, simile, analogy or symbolism and the wording is about as bland as baking soda. But, that's not what was at stake here. We're thinking about this poem. We are allowing our thoughts to masticate (another fun word) the food that the poster has given us. I, for one, find that food unpalletable.
And this cute poem was posted as an example of good parenting. Not so cute anymore when you think of it in that light.
Oh, unless the girl/woman had a "real" man earning the bread, and at home. In that case she could play more. Smile. Sadly girls just seem to not be picking "real" men. I think I'd spend more time dating and less time creating if it were me until I was able to support that child myself, or found that real man.
While posts 3 and 4 brought up some relevant points, no where did I see the author push the idea of all or nothing however. She’s merely avoccate slow down and enjoy the time with your child when you can, and to prioritize things and perspectives. As any parent will attest, childen have a tendancy of growing up way too fast. We are so caught up being in a hurry getting from point a to point b that, barring getting to school and other important appointments, there’s nothing wrong with taking the time to enjoy examining the surrounding on the way to grandmas or the park … Sometimes, the “getting there” is half the fun.
I’m not one to raise my child while looking through rose-coloured glasses… - It would do her a disservice, as she wouldn’t be equipped to deal with the harsh reality life throws everyone at times. On the otherhand, I am not going to see and read negativety behind every words either…
Well I can agree with that Kimi. I used to do some kinds of small things like leave the answering machine even if it was someone from work if I was doing the nighttime ritual of reading a story to the daughter before bed, or if she was just sitting up late talking because she had something to get off her chest.
leo and Cody, you said exactly what I was thinking, which is that this is only a cutesy poem, when you're silly enough to buy into the kinda feelings and thinking that its author, and probably the poster, are aiming for.
Lol some very closed minded people. You shouldn't read poems if you see things in black and white. The sentiments in this poem are what this world needs more of. Life is simple. We just choose to make it complicated. They aren't just cute notions, they are the things we need if we are to progress from the confused ignorant animals we are today.
Fabulous.
Sure, but if one said "a pretty poem." Or maybe, "some food for the soul." I can hear you, but when one says "food for thought." Well I start to think and reading the pretty poem from the thinking side of life.
I don't know if I spent enough time playing, but just like Leo, I gave my kids time, even leaving the phone to ring, and such stuff.
We'd have whole days at the pizza place, the park, the Zoo, you name it, because I needed some time out as well.
Now, how much play time you get depends on some black and white factors.
*mudders, guess I'm just fuddy duddy.!